The 36 Questions: How Gradual Self-Disclosure Builds Closeness

Few psychology experiments have had a second life quite like the "36 questions." Published in 1997, the study was known mainly to researchers for years. Then, in January 2015, writer Mandy Len Catron described trying the questions in a New York Times Modern Love essay titled "To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This," and the idea reached a huge audience.

The popular version is simple: answer 36 questions with someone and you might fall in love. The research itself is more modest, and more useful. It is really a study about how closeness grows when two people open up gradually and in turn.

What the original study did

The paper, "The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings," was published by Arthur Aron and colleagues in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 1997. The researchers wanted a reliable way to create a feeling of closeness between strangers in a laboratory, so that closeness could be studied scientifically.

Their procedure paired college students who did not know each other. Over about 45 minutes, each pair worked through self-disclosure and relationship-building tasks that, in the authors' words, "gradually escalate in intensity." The questions are divided into three sets of 12, and each set is more personal than the one before.

The early questions are light. One asks, roughly, who you would choose as a dinner guest if you could invite anyone. Later ones go deeper, for example asking what you value most in a friendship, or inviting each person to name qualities they appreciate in the other.

What it showed

In the first study, pairs who did these escalating tasks felt closer after the interaction than pairs who did comparable small-talk tasks. According to the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, after 45 minutes the pairs felt closer to each other than 30 percent of students feel to their closest companion.

Just as interesting is what did not make a significant difference. In two further studies, the closeness effect was not boosted by pairing people who did not disagree on important attitudes, by leading them to expect that they would like each other, or by making getting close an explicit goal. In other words, the structure of the conversation mattered more than shared opinions or good intentions.

What it did not show

It is worth being clear about the limits:

It measured closeness, not love. Participants reported how close they felt right after a short lab session. The study was not designed to test whether people fall in love or form lasting relationships.
It was a single lab session. The participants were college-student strangers meeting once in a laboratory, and the paper's own title presents its findings as preliminary.
It is not a formula. The Greater Good Science Center reports that, during development, two research assistants who tested an earlier, more romance-oriented version fell in love and married. It is a charming story, but it is a single anecdote, not evidence that the questions produce love.

What later research has found

Later studies have broadly supported the core idea that structured, escalating self-disclosure builds a sense of connection, at least in the short term.

Taking turns matters. In a 2013 study led by Susan Sprecher, pairs of college students had two 12-minute conversations over Skype. Pairs who disclosed back and forth liked each other more than pairs in which one person disclosed while the other listened before switching. The one-way pairs never caught up.
The effect holds on video. A 2021 study by Sprecher found that the closeness task produced more closeness than a small-talk task, and the results did not differ significantly between video chat and face-to-face conversation.
And, to a degree, in text. A 2025 study of 286 pairs of strangers found that intimate conversation created more social connection than small talk, whether people met face to face or by text. Texting partners did, however, tend to disclose less than those who met in person.
We underestimate others' interest. Across 12 experiments with more than 1,800 participants, Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that deeper conversations with strangers felt less awkward and more connecting than people expected. People consistently underestimated how interested others were in learning about them. As Kumar put it, "In these social situations, the fear is largely in our heads."

The same procedure has also been used beyond romance. In a 2008 UC Berkeley study, students met a partner of a different ethnic background for three weekly one-hour sessions based on Aron's "fast friends" approach, and their levels of the stress hormone cortisol during these cross-group meetings dropped over the sessions.

How to use this on early dates and in first chats

You do not need to bring a list of 36 questions to a first date. The useful lesson is the pattern behind them:

Start light, then go a little deeper. Begin with easy, enjoyable topics. As comfort grows, move gently toward values, hopes and what matters to each of you.
Take turns. Answer the question you ask. A balanced exchange builds more liking than an interview or a monologue.
Listen properly. Follow up on what your match shares, and show that you have heard it before moving on.
Do not rush intimacy. The study escalated step by step, and the Greater Good Science Center notes that this gradual progression matters more than the exact questions. Skipping straight to very personal questions can feel like pressure, not closeness.
Be a little braver than you think. The research suggests people are often more interested in meaningful conversation than we assume, and that we fear it more than we need to.
Remember that closeness is a beginning. Feeling connected after one good conversation is a promising sign, not a verdict on compatibility. Values, character and how two people handle everyday life still matter most.

At Love-Ready Society, every new conversation comes with suggested conversation starters designed to help you move from easy openers to more meaningful topics at a comfortable pace. You will also find a light "This or That" game that two people can play together, a playful way to take turns and discover each other's preferences. If that thoughtful, unhurried approach appeals to you, we would be glad to have you with us. Join Love-Ready Society.

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