What to Talk About on a First Date: What Research Says Works
First dates can feel like an interview, a performance, or a nervous blur. The good news is that one simple habit, backed by research, makes conversation easier and leaves a warmer impression: ask questions, and especially ask follow-up questions.
The research: questions make people like you
In a 2017 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard studied live conversations between strangers. In one study, pairs chatted online for 15 minutes. One person in each pair was quietly asked to ask at least nine questions, the other at most four. Afterwards, partners liked the people who had asked more questions.
The researchers found that follow-up questions mattered most. As the Association for Psychological Science summarised, follow-up questions "require responsiveness" from the person asking: they show you were listening and want to know more.
And on real first dates
The team also studied speed dating: 110 people in more than 2,000 short dates. According to Harvard Business School's summary of the paper, the people in the top third for asking questions got the most second dates. Asking just one more question on each of 20 dates was linked, on average, to one more person saying they would like to see them again.
Quality matters more than quantity
The same research has two useful caveats:
- Interrogations backfire. The researchers note that too many questions, or rude or repetitive ones, can hurt rather than help.
- It works best one to one. People watching a conversation from outside actually preferred the person who asked fewer questions. The warmth comes from feeling personally heard, not from a high question count.
So the goal is not a list to get through. It is curiosity about this particular person.
Share as well as ask
A good conversation goes both ways. Research on closeness, including Arthur Aron's well-known "36 questions" study, shows that people grow closer when both gradually share more about themselves. We explain that study in our article on questions that build closeness. On a first date, answer the questions you ask in return, and let the depth grow naturally.
Questions to try
These are our own suggestions, not items from the studies. Start light, and follow up on whatever lights them up:
- What does a really good weekend look like for you?
- What are you looking forward to this month?
- How did you end up in the work you do now?
- Is there a place you have travelled that changed how you see things?
- What is something you have been learning lately?
- Who in your life do you most admire, and why?
And the follow-ups that turn answers into conversation:
- "What was that like?"
- "How did you get into that?"
- "What made you choose that?"
- "Tell me more about that."
A note on safety
Curiosity should never come at the expense of safety. Meet somewhere public, tell someone you trust where you will be, and keep personal details such as your home address to yourself until you know someone better. Our safety page explains how Love-Ready protects members and how to report anything that worries you, and our article on green flags and red flags covers warning signs to notice.
Where Love-Ready fits
Love-Ready Society introduces people on the basis of shared values, so your first conversation already has some common ground. If you would like introductions built on who you really are, join Love-Ready Society, or start with our free love menu quiz.
Sources
- Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson and Gino (2017), It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Harvard Kennedy School listing)
- Asking Questions Increases Likability, Association for Psychological Science
- People Will Like You More If You Start Asking Followup Questions, Harvard Business School Working Knowledge (via Forbes)