Why Kindness Matters So Much in Love

Ask people what they want in a partner and you will hear many answers: attraction, humour, ambition, shared faith. Look at the research, and one quality keeps rising to the top. It is not glamorous, and it is easy to overlook on a first date. It is kindness.

What people want, across cultures

In a well-known study of partner preferences, psychologist David Buss and his colleagues surveyed more than 10,000 people in 37 cultures. In a 2019 review of that work and later research, Buss and David Schmitt write that "kind and understanding" was placed "at or near the top" of women's preferences in every culture studied, and that men and women were strikingly similar in the value they placed on kindness and dependability.

Men and women differed on some traits. On kindness, they largely agreed.

Kindness lives in small moments

Kindness in a relationship is rarely a grand gesture. Psychologist John Gottman's research focuses on "bids": small attempts to connect, like sharing something funny or asking for a moment of attention. According to the Gottman Institute, newlywed couples who were still together six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time, while couples who later divorced had done so only 33% of the time.

Turning toward a bid takes seconds. It means looking up, answering with interest, and showing that what matters to your partner matters to you. Over months and years, those seconds add up.

Gratitude as a booster shot

Kindness also grows when it is noticed. In a 2010 study published in Personal Relationships, Sara Algoe, Shelly Gable and Natalya Maisel followed more than 65 couples in committed relationships. Everyday feelings of gratitude for something thoughtful a partner had done went with small day-to-day rises in how connected and satisfied people felt, and the effect could still be seen the following day.

As Algoe put it, "Feelings of gratitude and generosity are helpful in solidifying our relationships with people we care about." Interestingly, feeling indebted, as if a kind act had to be repaid, did not help. Gratitude works because it is freely felt, not because it keeps score.

Kindness and lasting satisfaction

Kindness also shows up in research on personality. In a large 2010 study of couples in three countries, Portia Dyrenforth and colleagues found that people with agreeable, conscientious and emotionally stable partners tended to be more satisfied, while how similar the two personalities were mattered very little. We explore that study in our article on whether opposites attract.

How to notice kindness early

No one can measure kindness on a first date, but you can pay attention to a few everyday signals. These are practical suggestions, not research findings:

How they respond to small bids. Do they ask a follow-up question when you share something, or move straight on?
How they talk about others. Listen to how they describe family, colleagues and former partners.
How they handle a small inconvenience. A late reply or a change of plan shows a lot about patience.
Whether they notice what you need. A kind person remembers that you mentioned a hard week, and asks how it went.
Whether kindness is consistent. Warmth that appears only when they want something is not the same as kindness.

How to practise it yourself

Turn toward small bids, even when you are busy.
Say thank you for ordinary things, and be specific about what you appreciated.
Give the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst.
Offer help without keeping score.

Where Love-Ready fits

At Love-Ready Society we ask every member about how they show care, how they handle stress and how they treat the people close to them, because character matters more than a perfect profile. If you are looking for someone kind, join Love-Ready Society, or start with our free love menu quiz.

Sources

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